And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
