I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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