I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
