Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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