i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I want a musical about memes.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
