If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
