I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
