Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
