areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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