So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
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I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
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My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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