I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
