my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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