He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
