dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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