??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
