shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
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Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.