i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.