Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.