Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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