You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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