kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
