The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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