No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
