I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
