I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
