mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
