I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm both gender and math confused
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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