when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
