We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
