I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
