i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
