I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
it's like iHOP with fire
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
