i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
