she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
