I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize