I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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