Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
