ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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