why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
