Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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