broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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