Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
