I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
