i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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