I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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