he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
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Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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