May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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