She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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