We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
