dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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