Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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