i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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