I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
