So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm having to shit out rocks
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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