I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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