i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
